Assalamu Alaikum, this is Kathryn Jones the Peaceful Parenting coach. I’m coming to you today with another question that I’ve had actually many times, from many different sisters. This is coming from parents generally who have done some of my training, or done the full training program and they’re trying to implement this way of parenting in their home, but they are living with other people who don’t get it, and don’t like to hear children cry. So one of the things that we learn in Peaceful Parenting is that listening to a child cry, lets them release the emotional tension that they have in that moment, and that this is really beneficial.
We go through that in the first month of the training, and then we learn in week 2 all about how we do something called Stay Listening. Which is staying with them and listening to them while they release emotion. Unfortunately because of the way we were parented, and the attitude towards crying when we were little. Many people have a big problem with hearing children cry, and they can’t cope with it. As a result of that, you will find that many of us are in a position where we live with someone, or around people who don’t get the benefit of allowing the child to cry, and they want the child to stop. They’ll either do it in a rough way, which usually end up with them crying more or calling them names. Which unfortunately often older siblings do as well is, they call them sooky or all these sorts of names, that’s not helpful either. Or give them a dummy or a lollipop or a favourite toy, or something to get them to stop. So many, many people find themselves in the situation. What do we is firstly understanding that it’s not that other person trying to be difficult. It genuinely is hard for them to cope when a child is crying.
That often comes from how we were parented, and it can be as simple as the way our parents felt when we cried. If they felt out of control and they felt very stressed and fearful when we cried we would have picked that up. And there would be this association about those feelings and crying. So this is why especially in week 3 of our Peaceful Parenting breakthrough training, we talk about our emotions. And what gets kicked up for us when we’re parenting, and what we can do about it, and why that’s happening. So there’s reasons why.
The great news is if you’re in the situation and I have been, this way of parenting can still work. So there’s two things actually there’s 3. One is that you just go and take yourself and the child, somewhere where the two of you can continue to work on listening to the child cry. The second solution is it can actually wait. Allah SWT has blessed us with the most amazing mind and it can be put on hold.
As adults and as children we can hold what’s going on with us emotionally, to work through it later. But we must understand that if that’s the way it is happening, that’s what’s going to happen. Those emotions are going to come back later. The third way is actually to get emotional release through laughter.
Now one of the great things about emotional release through laughter (we teach all of this in the first week,all about all the different ways in which children and ourselves release emotion) is no one seems to have a problem with laughter. Not that I’ve come across anyway. So it’s an ideal solution, if that child really needs to be reconnected and release that emotional tension now. That their behaviour is off track and that no one around is going to cope with the off track behaviour if you delay it.
So this is where we get into being the silly crazy person that the child is going to laugh at and have a ball with. We call this tool Play Listening and we teach that in week 5 of the training. All about being how to be playful with a child, to bring about the laughter and the emotional release through laughter. So this is the real benefit of having that tool, is if that child really need it and there’s no way you’re going to have that time alone to do it. They’re people around that won’t cope with crying, let’s go for laughter. It’s an excellent one especially in public. If you have a child that’s about to have an emotional release in public, turn it around to laughter before it actually happens because nobody will question you or judge you, or look at you funny if your child is laughing. But if your child is screaming and crying and tantruming, then we all feel that judgement and that discomfort when others are around.
The excellent thing about all of this is whichever way that it turns out that you work on it, this way of parenting will still work and you can still do it even if the other parent or other people that you live with don’t get it. (Maybe in laws or parents or other people that might be in the household can’t cope with it.) There are still ways in which you can do it at other times. It might be more tricky, you just have to be a bit more creative in sh Allah.
So that’s it for today. I look forward to seeing you in the next blog in sha Allah.
If you want to learn more click on the link for my free online training, and join me for that and benefit more and get some of the blanks filled in that you might have found from this video.
Some of the information about connection and crying, and the sort of thing that I will teach you all in that free online training. Its great stuff.
Take care until next week in sha Allah,
Assalamu Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu!
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